What I'm Looking For
by IceBlueRose
Summary: Buffy's thoughts on Spike, how she treated him in the past, and her feelings for him. Post Chosen.


Disclaimer: The sad fact of it is that Joss and ME own them all. I don't. But I wish I did. So there, I admitted it. Against my will, but I admitted it.  
  
A/N: Here's a Buffy/Spike fic. Not a happy one since this takes place after Chosen. It's Buffy's thoughts on Spike and how she treated him. The song is actually on the Buffy soundtrack and is "Temptation Waits" by Garbage. I hope you like it. Read and review, everyone!  
  
* * are flashbacks. ~ ~ are song lyrics.  
  
~I'll tell you something  
  
I am a wolf but  
  
I like to wear sheep's clothing  
  
I am a bonfire  
  
I am a vampire  
  
I'm waiting for my moment~  
  
He was gone. And she didn't know how it had ended. Had it been painful? God, she hoped not. He had died saving the world, died a champion. And even at the end, he had kept that wit that had always accompanied him.  
  
*"I can feel it, Buffy." Spike breathed.  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"My soul. It's really there.kind of stings."*  
  
Spike's voice had been full of wonder, as if he had been amazed that his soul was really there, as if he had doubted that he really had one.  
  
And now, all Buffy could do was hope that Spike waited for her in Heaven. Because there was nowhere else that he could really be.  
  
Spike belonged in Heaven.  
  
~You come on like a drug  
  
I just can't get enough  
  
I'm like an addict coming at you  
  
For a little more  
  
And there's so much at stake  
  
I can't afford to waste  
  
I never needed anybody like this before~  
  
The tears poured freely from Buffy's eyes now as she remembered. In the end, she had finally confessed her feelings to him and he hadn't believed her.  
  
Spike had died thinking that she didn't love him, that she had been lying. She never got the chance to prove to him that she really loved him. The irony of that was not lost on her as she recalled all the times she had rejected his love and told him that he didn't know what love was. Buffy closed her eyes and lowered her head, grateful for the complete darkness that the room was shrouded in, courtesy of the closed drapes.  
  
She wished she had stayed with him so he wouldn't be alone.  
  
~I'll tell you something  
  
I am a demon  
  
Some say my biggest weakness  
  
I have my reasons  
  
Call it my defense  
  
Be careful what you're wishing~  
  
After they had won, after the battle, Buffy had already been silently mourning Spike. But she had been able to smile for awhile and had even, briefly, felt like he was still there when the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign had fallen at the mere mention of his name. The smiling hadn't lasted long. By the time they had stopped for the night for the first time, grief had become her companion as she had sat by the window, watching all the pointless scenery pass by. Pointless because he wasn't there to share it with her.  
  
She wished she had been there in those last moments. She wished she had burned with him.  
  
~You come on like a drug  
  
I just can't get enough  
  
I'm like an addict coming at you  
  
For a little more  
  
And there's so much at stake  
  
I can't afford to waste  
  
I never needed anybody like this before~  
  
A little cold comfort. That's what Spike had called their.what word could be used to describe it? Affair? Tryst? Whatever it had been then, she knew that he was wrong. It hadn't been cold comfort. She admitted that she had been using him.she'd told him that to his face.but never had it been cold comfort. How could it be when Spike had so much fire in him? He was one of the most passionate people that she had ever known and there had been nothing cold about him.  
  
~You are a secret  
  
A new possession  
  
I like to keep you guessing~  
  
It had always been the thing that had always frustrated and hurt him the most. She had kept them a secret. She had never told anyone, except Tara, and that had been just another secret. No one had found out until Spike himself had told Xander. And then.then, Spike had left town for months. And he hadn't said anything when he had come back. Instead, he had lived in the basement of the school, where the First had proceeded to drive him insane.  
  
~You come on like a drug  
  
I just can't get enough  
  
I'm like an addict coming at you  
  
For a little more  
  
And there's so much at stake  
  
I can't afford to waste  
  
I never needed anybody like this before~  
  
It was then, in that time leading up to the battle with the First, when he had been fighting for control over himself against the First, that the feelings she had managed to bury had started to resurface. She had seen so many different sides to him and this last one was the last straw, so to speak. Seeing exactly just how vulnerable he could be had been what caused her to fall completely in love with him. Yet she had never told him. When Giles and Robin had tried to kill him, she had felt like her heart had been ripped out in that short time when she hadn't known what had happened to him. Then the anger she had felt when she had seen the bruises on his face and realized how close she had come to losing him. And even then, she had hidden it.  
  
~When I'm not sure what I'm living for  
  
When I'm not sure what I'm looking for~  
  
*"The day you suss out what you do want there'll be a bloody parade. Seventy-six bloody trombones." Spike told her, exasperation clear in his voice.*  
  
Buffy knew now. She knew what she wanted and, now, it was too late. She couldn't have it because it had been taken away from her. Spike had been taken away from her. Buffy raised her head and stared sorrowfully into the darkness.  
  
"I know what I'm looking for now, Spike." she whispered. She repeated the one sentence that had given Spike enough hope to hold on when the First had tortured him. "I believe in you." Her shoulders began to shake and her chest ached from holding the sobs in. "I know what I want." The sobs finally escaped her as she whispered brokenly,  
  
"I want you." 


End file.
